OK so this script has been through TPG twice and I have just gotten round to re-working page 1 after the last round of critiques.
My main concern is the dialogue now. The setting is on another world so I originally tried medieval type speech but I think I over did it so I have toned that down.
I have also tried to ease up on the info dumping .
After some good ideas from Ryan Kroboth on the panel layouts, I’ve altered that as well.
Captain Mothstorm Page 1
Page 1 (7 panels in 3 rows)
Panel 1 (full width of top row):
Establishing shot. It is dusk. The planetary rings are visible in the purple cloud-streaked sky. We are looking out at a misty mountain scene with the Dark Temple of Mymosule visible in the distance on the right of the panel. In the foreground on the left of the panel we see a full length side view of Captain Sylen Benevolen gazing at the temple with his helmet in his right arm. He is actually stood inside a wide rectangular hangar type space. He is in a derelict skyscraper that is leaning to the right of the panel so the walls, floor and ceiling are angled accordingly. At the edges of the panel we can see vines growing on the walls and ceiling. The walls and ceiling are covered with green moths. At the top left of the panel, there is a green moth in extreme close up on a vine.
Benevolen: We used to race sky-panthers together as children.
Benevolen: Have you found her?
Green moth (telepathically): Not yet, but we have counted 107 individual acolytes so far inside the temple, Sylen. They have guns and blades.
Panel 2 (middle row left):
Half body shot of Benevolen from the waist up. He has just put on his helmet (his hands are still on his head). Some of the moths have taken wing.
Green moth (telepathically): Lady Umia is in a metal cage. They are carrying her to the sacrificial chamber! We need to help her quickly!
Benevolen: Their rituals are horrific. I thought the Acolytes Of Mymosule had ceased to exist long ago, during the Breaking Of The World.
Panel 3 (middle row centre):
Rear, full length shot of Benevolen who is throwing himself out of the hangar. The moths are streaming after him.
Benevolen: Once Umia is safe, I will return with a battalion of the Suborean Guard and eradicate them.
Panel 4 (middle row right):
Reverse the camera and move it back so we are now facing the derelict skyscraper. Front full shot of Benevolen who is hurtling down the side of the derelict skyscraper towards the swirling mist below. The moths are swarming down after him. We can see the mist at the bottom of the panel.
Panel 5 (bottom row left):
Benevolen has plummeted into the mist sending it billowing up. The moths are swarming into the mist after him.
Panel 6 (bottom row centre):
Shot of the dark temple in the background with the moths swarming down into the mist in the foreground. No sign of Benevolen.
Panel 7 (bottom row right):
Shot of the dark temple in the background with the moths swarming up out of the mist in a batwing formation in the foreground. Benevolen is suspended beneath them. The mist is swirling in their wake.